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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
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"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
June 10, 2004
George We Liked Your Resume!
As mentioned below, Mike Gerber and I took the liberty of creating a resume for George Tenet and posting it to Monster.com. And we've already gotten a response!
It's unfortunately from some kind of headhunting firm, not a potential employer for George, but it's still encouraging. Anyone who feels like filling out the form for George should feel free to do so. Every little bit helps.
The best sentence in this email is clearly "Let me introduce ourselves," which seems to indicate that the author is schizophrenic. The only thing better would be "Let us introduce myself," which would indicate the author was part of a hive mind.
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 12:24 -0600
Subject: George we liked your resume!
From: listmaster@managementrecruiting.com
Dear George,
We liked your resume. Are you still in the market?
Let me introduce ourselves. Executive Search Online is an exclusive service dealing in top positions in all areas of the country. Our clients include many leading recruiters, growth companies and fortune 1000 corporations.
We thought you might be a good match for openings we list and which you can review at our website.
Click on http://www.managementrecruiting.com/site.data/1
The new user button will take you to the profile information you can provide in confidence.
Bryce Decker
Senior Vice President
COVER LETTER
Paul E Kelley
216 Summer Palace Way
Las Vegas NV, 89144
Home Phone (702) 838-8523
Cell Phone (702) 498-4809
Fax #: (702) 360-4688
E-mail: paulpekelley@aol.com
August 18, 2005
RE: Project and Sr. Project Management; Strategic Business Development Manager; Director of Strategic Support; Corporate Consulting; Director, Strategy; Online Services Manager; Executive; Corporate Strategic Director; Strategic Business Acquisitions; or Director, Strategic Growth and Profitability.
To whom it may concern,
The Commercial Products that I have managed and built, from the ground up to fruition, were very intricate and complicated Projects involving a large number of contractors, suppliers, vendors, etc., and my own inside team. The team was constantly changing, depending on the state of the Project, and it was my job to make sure that everyone was on track, in terms of timing and costs with their position, on the overall Project. For this, I relied on Microsoft (MS) Project (MSP) to track the project status in real-time.
Additionally, this involved, as my position as overall Corporate Consultant and Sr. Project Manager, meetings, phone calls, or visiting the Contractors Companies. Where I could review, with their managers, the problems they were encountering meeting their schedule(s), and/or cost(s), find a fix for these, so that could get back on schedule without impacting the next oncoming contractors. This was partially, do to the use of MSP. All this experience has resulted in me understanding and managing most all of the departments of major Fortune 100 & 500 Corporations.
What can I do for Your CORPORATION, as in improving Profits?
Your Corporate Projects and Corporate job opportunities are most likely involved in Fundamental Directions, Profit Growth, Strategic Development, and Strategic Leadership for the future and ideas that the Corporation will undertake to keep Profits growing. It is also, probably important to Your Corporation, that it be one of the leaders and posses the rapid mobility to change and lead the consumer into the future. In addition, You must conform to the changing times, and continue to offer the consumer better value on your products, thus yielding higher Profit growth.
In addition, Profit Growth partially happens, through matched synergistic acquisitions, such as (for example) the rebuilding of: “SEARS Corporation†through Strategic Acquisitions to increase Profitability for “SEARSâ€Â. Such as SEARS and the “all-in-one†home improvement†business chains, like Home Depot (HD).
An example is: “SEARS†Craftsman (with its broad array of tools and equipment, and other SEARS product lines), and HD where, for example, “SEARS†now has a captive audience at HD and/or possibly at “SEARSâ€Â, for its Craftsman product line. “SEARS†can now deliver new Craftsman products at an accelerated rate, and additionally allows for other SEARS synergistic product lines to sell at HD. This leaves the remaining HD products that are already in stock. Now altogether, this will allow for additional breath and depth for SEARS and will result in even further Profit Growth, by additional reasons for the consumer to visit the new “SEARS Hardware and Gardenâ€Â, Superstore.
In-addition, through the low cost/high returns implementation of Chaos Mathematics (CM) to your product floor layouts. It will have the result on customers to stay and shop longer, and with a few tactically well planed and placed “Money Machinesâ€Â(in case shoppers have reached their credit limit on one card, they can use other cards, or their bank to get even more money) and spend a lot more time shopping and thus spend more money! All this has a very positive effect on Corporate Profits. The same can be shown for your traditional outlets, other venues, etc., (with the application of CM), to dramatically increase Corporate Profits.
Another possibility, to examine for Your Corporation, is to not only look at inside growth, is to franchise relatively small to medium size floor space, say inside medium size venues, such as medium to larger size malls, airports, outlet malls, etc. Where Your Corporation (or under another catchy name it comes up with), and the products are basically targeted for medium to lower-upper class buyers. These can also serve as, for example, “lead-in†shops to other “SEARS†venues and serve as outlets for Your products, and “up lift†Your Corporate Image, and Corporate PROFITS.
Profit increases additionally occur through low cost changes to the floor layout with the aid of Chaos Mathematics (CM). Now the customers have a fun place to go and spend more money, because of the new floor layout (designed with CM). I would love the opportunity to explain my ideas to you, and then have you challenged me to make the high Profit Growth happen.
This is through my ~ 20 years of being a Project and Sr. Project Manager, Strategic Market Development & Planning, my ability to multitask, CM, and JIT inventory management, these all increase Profits.
In addition, to all this background, I am a Theoretical Mathemation and Physicist. I have over 35 Publications in recognized Journals, Conference Proceedings, and Chapters in Books. I have also written Computer models, and in 1994 I was selected as one of the Top Inventors in the World, having Invented and co-Invented 51 U.S. and Foreign Method Patents.
I have used my Method Patents to make multi-Million and multi-Billion Dollar grossing Divisions for Fortune 100 and 500 Corporations, such as (for example) being recruited by the President of Hitachi LTD Inc., located in Tokyo, Japan (at the time, it was the second largest Corporation in the World).
In addition, the many overall Projects that I Managed, involved hundreds of players, contractors, suppliers, architects, manufacturing, etc., and my inside team that came and went at various times in the overall Project. That required me to have a cool head. I have also spent ~ 20 years, in Silicone Valley, honing my skills and abilities.
One of the major Software (SW) tools that I have always used to accomplish many the afore mentioned overall goals is MSP to tract, in real-time, the overall progress of Project(s) and give me extra time to deal with delinquent vendor(s) and foreseeable up and coming problems. I have used MSP for ~ 20 years since it first came out by MS.
MSP is such a powerful package of SW because it gives the Project Manager and/or his Manager, all the capabilities of viewing all aspects of the Project and keeping the overall Project, on time and budget. This is by using all eleven of the real time data and tracking capabilities of MSP. For one example, use of the MSP Gantt Charts (MSPGC) depicts all real time costs, timing, when players start and finish, and when they are on the “Critical Path (CP) of the overall Project. Use of all this information, for the overall Project, including the CP helps to assure that the total Project comes in on time, budget, and overall costs.
Now, what have I accomplished in my ~ 20 years of Inventor, Project Manager, and Strategic Market and Profit Development, that will have a positive effect on your overall Profits
Additionally, I have invented and then Project Managed several types of Mass Spectrometers for Hitachi LTD. Inc., from the ground up to completion as Commercial Products, and made them and other Fortune 100/500 Corporations additional multi-Billion, or multi-Million dollar grossing Divisions.
Through my Theoretical Mathematics and Physics background, Project Management, and Strategic Market Development skills, the new and rugged, for example, Mass Spectrometer Products that I invented, and brought to the Commercial Markets that I Strategically Developed, made good Profits.
They were less than 10x the size and weight of other Commercial Mass Spectrometers, had a commercial price tag that was ~ $50,000 vs. the present day mass spectrometers that were commercially priced in the ~ $500,000 to $1,000,000 range, were 1000x greater in sensitivity, and had a mass range that was 10-100x greater than the other mass spectrometers.
The mass spectrometer is perhaps the most important scientific instrument in society, because it can tell all companies, and Federal Agencies, the chemical structures, and the precise quantitative levels of chemicals. Including toxic, mutagenic, or carcinogenic chemicals, in their products, or for example, the level of toxic, mutagenic, or carcinogenic materials in the air, water, or soil, and the instrument effects everyone in every aspect of their life.
Now, for something different, I have also, co-invented, a replacement Method Patent for the mathematical, transcendental by nature, Fourier Transformation Equation (FTE) derived by Charles Fourier in the latter part of the 1,700’s. For two hundred years, the worlds top theoretical Mathematicians have tried to make some improvements on it, or outright replace it, to no avail. Well, we sat for approximately one hour, and completely replaced it, such that our new method did not posses any of the terrible problems associated with the FTE.
With my, 51 substantial U.S. & Foreign Method Patents, my ~ 20 years of Project Management experience, my Strategic Directions experiences, and my proven track record of successfully building new products, has resulted in significantly increasing the Profits of very large Corporations. For example, so many of my Patents could have a big effect on the Security of Your Corporation, and save you a lot of money, just as one example. We can now overcome the problems of the FTE, with our new real-time Method, which is generally up to 1000x faster, and with none of the inherent problems of the FTE. I have all the brand new very high tech patented Methods to protect your Corporation from robbery, and improve security for Your divisions.
Use of Chaos Mathematics to increase overall Profits
Additionally, I have been intellectually experimenting with applications of 3-dimentional CM, to design and further dramatically improve the Profits of your Corporation. So far, the initial results are very promising, and I would love to talk to you about my ideas and the very positive effects on Profits. I also believe I have a lot to offer to you and your Administrative team, on a full time, part time, or consulting basis, and many Strategic Profit Growth opportunities. Please find my Resume attached.
For about the last five years, I have suffered a handicapping injury to my spine, not my mind, and have not been physically able to work much. Recently, my health has showed marked improvement, and my physicians have given me permission, to hold down, at least a part time position, and in their opinion, I will rapidly grow into a full time position, in a couple of months or so.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to review my resume package and I wish you many successes in your new endeavors.
Sincerely,
Paul E Kelley
RESUME
Paul E Kelley
216 Summer Palace Way
Las Vegas, NV 89144
Home Phone (702) 838-8523
Cell Phone (702) 498-4809
Fax # (702) 360-4688
E-mail: paulpekelley@aol.com
Professional
Experience
9/90 to
6/01 Paul E. Kelley Company
216 Summer Palace Way, Las Vegas, NV 89144
Principal: Strategic Technology Development, Senior Project Management, and Strategic Business Development
Consultant, Strategic Business and Profitability Development, Strategic Technology Development, and Sr. Project Management. Invented and developed fundamental mass spectrometry intellectual property and other technology, and commercial products for use in environmental analysis, energy, biotechnology, pharmaceutical applications, etc. I established commercial mass spectrometry businesses for Teledyne and Hitachi Corporations, which are multi-Billion dollar companies. They are two of the Fortune 100 and 500 Corporations. Reported to the Chairman of the Board of Hitachi LTD Inc., Mr. Mito, in Tokyo, Japan and developed over 30 U.S. and Foreign Method Patents for them. In addition, I was a Sr. Project Manager and successfully learned to Manage every department in Hitachi, and other Fortune 100 & 500 Corporations.
11/89 to
8/90 Finnigan Corporation
355 River Oaks Parkway, San Jose, CA 95134
Director, Strategic Market Development
I was responsible for developing environmental analysis markets. Activities included developing corporate strategic and tactical plans, budgeting, product development, and evaluation through internal and external programs. I worked closely with Federal and State regulators.
10/87 to
11/89 Finnigan Corporation
Director of R&D for new products.
I was responsible for managing multiple product development programs for mass spectrometers and associated inlets and data systems. Activities included managing 4 engineering programs, 5 Project Managers, and approximately 70 professional mechanical, electronics, and software engineers, and scientists. In addition, I was responsible for budgets and planning.
1/84 to
10/87 Finnigan Corporation
Sr. Project Manager in R&D
I was responsible for managing product development programs for ion trap mass spectrometers, and associated inlets and data systems. Activities included managing up to 20 professional mechanical, electronics and software engineers, and scientists. In addition, budgets, products, program plans, and program costs. I was responsible for developing the new type of mass spectrometer (that I invented as a scientist while in Research) into a commercial product. It turned into a multi-Billion dollar gross business success.
.
6/79 to
1/84 Finnigan Corporation
Research Scientist and Project Manager, R & D
I was responsible for the development of new technology that would lead to new products that would keep the Corporation growing. I developed a brand new type of mass spectrometer, by studying the theoretical equations in the literature. I constructed a very sophisticated research instrument (for running experiments to test my new ideas). Principally, I developed a brand new type of mass spectrometer by studying the theoretical equations in the literature, constructing a very complicated research instrument (for running important, in depth theoretical experiments) for running evaluations to test my new ideas). I also, independently, developed a very in-depth model on a computer (using Mathieu Equations and the highly accurate Runga-Kutta numerical analysis method) to see if the experimental instrument results could be predicted as external forces were applied to ions in the ion trap, all generated by the computer. The idea was to see if the experimental results on the research instrument would match the computer generated results, and vice-versa. After a bit of back and forth (between the experimental equipment I built and the mathematical analysis on the computer model), I was able to develop a computer generated math model that was so good, that it would predict the results that matched the experimental instrument results by almost 100%. My time as a Research Scientist and Project Manager, ultimately led to a multi-Billion dollar gross profit business for the Corporation and numerous U.S. and Foreign Method Patents.
EDUCATION
1975
I Received a Bachelor’s degree in Physical Chemistry, with a Minor in Mathematics from Illinois State University. Seventy-two credits (because they were addition and complementary to Physic’s, Chemistry, and Mathematics’ courses I wanted to take).
Course Work: Algebra, Elementary Functions with coordinate Geometry, Calculus 1 and 2, Differential Equations, Analytic Geometry, and Multivariable Mathematics.
General Chemistry ( 2 Semesters), Organic Chemistry ( 2 semesters), Physical Chemistry (2 semesters), Chemical Applications of Group Theory, Quantum Chemistry, Photo Chemistry, Mass Spectrometry, Quantative Analysis, and Inorganic Chemistry.
Modern Physics, Physics and the Physical Universe, the Constellations, Experiments in Physics, Principals of Physics, Technical Electricity and Electronics, A universe of Physics, The Physical Foundations of General Relativity, Space, Time and Gravity, Quantum Mechanics, Principals of Electronic Instrumentation, Geology, and Geography.
I also was a TA for a semester of General Chemistry and two semesters of Physical Chemistry.
M.S. work
In Physical
Chemistry Since I had finished most the class work, I was then made a R.A. in physical chemistry and focused on photochemistry, building a glass and quartz blown vacuum rack and using it, to conduct experiments and then analyze the result by Gas Spectrometry Mass Spectrometry. My research advisor told me not to waste my time going for the M.S. and to do the PhD program at the University of California, at Riverside, CA. I was the only one (of approx. 32 people) to be accepted into the PhD program. I immediately went to work for Jim Pitts (a very famous photo-chemist) as a R.A., sampling the smoggy air (at the end of the L.A basin, which had very smoggy air) generated by ground level 03 oxidizing chemicals in the atmosphere and then analyzing the samples for potential carcinogens by capillary column gas chromatography (CC-GC), unheard of at that time, and then analyzing by Mass Spectrometry, (MS), for two semesters. In addition, I worked with Bruce Ames, who had just developed the Ames test, which, very reliably confirms if compounds are carcinogenic, or mutagenic.
Unfortunately, as soon as I was preparing to go to California, I found out that I had been stricken by malignant melanoma (the most deadly form of cancer at that time). It had a mortality rate of 95% in one month. In addition, once you are susceptible to it, you are always at risk. At five years, the mortality rate grows to 99%. Needless to say, this was constantly bothering me. In addition, after two semesters at UCR, it overwhelmed me and I decided there were things more important to do besides concentrating on the PhD. Besides, I had lost my ability to concentrate on school, with maybe a few (at most) to live. My oncologist told me to get the last of my life in order. Fortunately, that was more than 30 years ago.
Therefore, I left school (took a good break), and finally went to Finnigan Corporation, (the largest M.S. company in the world) as a research scientist. I invented a new type of Mass Spectrometer that was significantly cheaper ($50k vs. $300k to $500k).
Not only did it also have 2 to 3 orders of magnitude in sensitivity (more that the other commercial Mass Spectrometers), it had a 500,000 a.m.u., mass range, was very easy to produce with many fewer high tolerances parts, and overall fewer parts.
The research and program management work I performed, lead to a multibillion-dollar business in just three years. In addition to this very serious cancer experience, that I survived. Also, around 2001, I had a serious accident that permanently damaged my spinal cord. It made it difficult for me to get around. In addition, I had to give up my very successful consulting business because of it. Now the physicians have finally given me, the OK to go back to work, on whatever basis I can physically stand. I can take. Since my mind was unaffected, by the accident, I would appreciate any opportunity or function I could serve, to make you even more profitable. With the 51 Patents, and their application to your business, I believe that I can, with my proven record of accomplishment, and intellectually proven Patents, that I can make your Station Casinos, even more profit, than expected. I finally feel that I am ready to hit the bricks, running.
Please take time to review my resume and my significant accomplishments.
Awards R&D 100 Award for the 3DQ Mass Spectrometer.
Internationally Selected as One of the 100 Most Technologically Significant New Products for 1994
Gold Medal Award.
Annual IBO Industrial Design Award for Instrumentation, 1994. 3DQ Discovery Ion Trap Mass Spectrometer.
I am the inventor and co-inventor of 51 U.S. and Foreign Method Patents concerning, State of the Art cutting edge High Technology, Mass Spectrometry, and the new replacement Method for the Fourier Transformation Equation, or FTE.
I am also the inventor and co-inventor of the commercial Ion Trap based Mass Spectrometer products.
Publications I have authored, or co-authored, over 35 publications in scientific journals, conference proceedings, and books.
Personnel Security Assistant
Active TS/SCI
Sep 92 to Oct 05 US Marine Honorable Discharge