And Even Odysseus Met Those Hot Sirens

Anna points out there's recently been particularly great stuff over at "Doublequotes," the site of my doppleganger Charles Cameron. Of course, Charles claims that I'm his doppleganger. But that's what dopplegangers always say.

So in honor of Doublequotes, and because I am near-dead from exhaustion after holiday travel and can barely lift my fingers to type anything new, here's the greatest example of the Doublequotes concept ever. It is the greatest because it reduces the double quote form to single quotes.

Do not question me! Particularly, don't act like what I'm saying makes no sense. It is the greatest, and I will not accept any other views. Just because I am co-author does not mean I am not completely objective.

And speaking of tiring holiday travel, have you ever been to Memphis? Have you ever been been to Memphis because you went there for a connecting flight that was canceled nine times in a row because of an ice storm? And then have you tried to get a bus out, but found they were all canceled too and then you ended up spending the night sleeping on the floor of the Greyhound waiting area along with 300 would-be travelers, and perhaps 250 of these 300 would-be travelers were loud, cranky infants?

If you have, you understand why I am calling this: Worst Trip Since Odysseus.

Anyway.

by Michael Gerber and Jonathan Schwarz
Village Voice
May 9th, 2002

WHY THE _______S HATE THE ________S
A Guide To All Ethnic and Religious Strife Through Human History

1. They stole our _______!

2. At the Battle of _______ in the _______ Century, they used unfair tactics to defeat us. We cannot rest until the souls of our dead are avenged.

3. Their religion is absurd. Offensive, really—did you know they actually believe __________? And they won't be happy until EVERYBODY believes it!

4. While it's not "politically correct" to say so, science has proven them to be _______.

5. They smell weird.

6. They live like animals. Children, education, the future—none of these matter to them.

7. Their music is primitive, and encourages people to _______.

8. Can you believe they eat _______? Think about that for a second—they actually put _______ in their MOUTHS.

9. They want to sully our women.

10. There are so many of them—all they do is _______! If we're not careful, someday soon we'll be submerged beneath a flood of ________!

11. If there's anything worse than a _________, it's a _________-lover. These traitors are trying to destroy us from within.

12. Sure, there are a few good _________s. But better safe than sorry.

13. Yes, we killed ________ of them. You can't expect them to understand it was in self-defense—they're totally irrational. Sooner or later, they will seek revenge, and when they do, we must be prepared to kill more. That's the only language they understand.

14. Of course we seem prejudiced. The media is obviously pro-_______.

15. They're the reason we're so unhappy.