or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
•
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
April 11, 2005
Sexy Sexy Satan Sex
Many people have noticed a Washington Post article about a recent big conference called "Confronting the Judicial War on Faith." However, few have analyzed this section:
...lawyer-author Edwin Vieira told the gathering that [Supreme Court Justice Anthony] Kennedy should be impeached because his philosophy, evidenced in his opinion striking down an anti-sodomy statute, "upholds Marxist, Leninist, satanic principles drawn from foreign law."
Now, it should go without saying that sodomy is Marxist/Leninist/Satanic/Foreign, but you'd be surprised how many people don't know this. Or maybe you wouldn't be surprised, given the state of our nation's public schools!
Anyway, we all owe Mr. Vieira a debt of gratitude for emphasizing this. The only place I'd quibble with him is that he didn't delve into the larger issue. Yes, sodomy is Marxist/Leninist/Satanic/Foreign. But other sex acts are as well. And then there are the sex acts that are Marxist & Satanic & Foreign, but not Leninist; some that are merely Satanic & Foreign; and even a few (a very few) that are merely Satanic.
To lessen the confusion, I've produced the below Venn diagram that should help you understand sex better. As you'll see:
• all sexual acts are Satanic, with two small exceptions (see lower right hand corner and far right)
• most sex is drawn from foreign law, and all sex drawn from foreign law is Satanic (with one small exception; again, see far right)
• Lenin was an "invert"
I hope this clears things up. Please let me know if you have any questions about this important topic.
Jon, I can't tell you how much more satisfying my sex life has become as a result of this post. All these years I believed it was simply Marxist/Leninist--in fact, this was how I always used to explain the popularity of Communism. (You and I had that discussion so many times.) Who WASN'T blown away by the photos in Das Kapital? They must've gotten gymnasts or something.
By the way, "reverse cowgirl" is Anarcho-Syndicalist. You can look it up.
Posted by: Mike at April 11, 2005 11:34 AMOne funny running joke in the Onion's collection of mock historical front pages ("Our Dumb Century") is numerous recurring drawings showing the hated enemy of the day -- Spaniards, Huns, Bolsheviks, etc. sexually assaulting Liberty, represented as a pure and innocent American woman.
If updated for modern American rightwingers, it would show Anthony Kennedy giving permission to Satanic Marxist Foreigners to ravage our pure and helpless American men.
Satire just can't keep up with the absolute foolishness these folks keep producing daily in complete seriousness. You've come pretty dang close.
Maybe you can beat them to the punch with an addition to the diagram -- have wingnuts figured out a way to blame Michael Jackson on liberals yet? Don't forget that he started down the road to perversion by sleeping with Elvis' daughter. See what happens when you allow inter-racial dating? (SARCASM)
Never mind -- I don't want to give them any ideas. The sarcasm will be lost, and it'll be a proposed constitutional amendment next week, and on the ballot in 20 swing states in 2006. They'll even find some Martin Luther King Jr quote to "justify" it.
Posted by: Whistler Blue at April 11, 2005 12:09 PMLol. But I think you're totally wrong here. It's clear from the quote that every sexual act is, in fact, a product of Marxism; those performed in one isolated country are Leninist and then we have all that French and Eskimo stuff that's based on satanic principles drawn from foreign law. That's how I read it anyway.
Posted by: abb1 at April 11, 2005 02:51 PMFantastic! I would have been *much* more interested in this whole set theory business if, in third grade, my teacher had used this example to help us learn about Venn diagrams!
Posted by: Aaron at April 11, 2005 03:36 PMIf they don't elect you pope after this, then I just don't know what to say.
Posted by: Hugo at April 11, 2005 04:44 PMIs this the same guy that quoted Stalin approvignly because he wants to kill Justice Kennedy? (He said, "Like Stalin says, 'No man, no problem'") So he is FOR Stalin, but against Marx and Lenin? Or is he actually a Marxist himself? Or is the name Veira just become all taht common that so many people named Veira keep quoting or talking about various dead Communists and relating them to Justice Kennedy? I remain confused in Cairo.
Posted by: Anna in Cairo at April 12, 2005 05:38 AMThe diagram is sheer genius. The comments are pretty good, too.
Posted by: Bruce at April 12, 2005 03:21 PMWait a minute! Where do abortion, lesbianism, and witchcraft come in?
Somewhere between French kissing and Margaret Thatcher, I think. Geographically speaking that would be south of French kissing and north of Margaret Thatcher, which works out to just about anywhere except the middle of the English Channel.
Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Floss Forbes: If you don't know the tune, sing tenor.
Communists are deranged scum who want to get rid of the family unit and to "liberate" women from the care of little children so that everyone can have lots of sexual partners, queer marriages and abortions and feel like they have destroyed the elements of fascist living! Freakin demonic or what? I'd say the only good Communist is a jailed one! We're all better dead than Red!
Posted by: Aled at June 24, 2005 02:00 PMHi...just came across your post...am very interested in Sexual Magick. If know info on it I'd greatly appreciate it. Like a website maybe?
Thank You.
I hope you reconsider making a fool of youreself, maybe even be ashamed...no matter how deep you have sinned God Wants to forgive you only if you want .
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