or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
•
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
December 06, 2005
The Part They DON'T Tell You About James Bond
Many people are exercised about an article in Washington Post on Sunday about "erroneous renditions"—that is, instances where the CIA snatches people off the streets of countries all over the world and sends them off to be tortured, only to later realize they were completely innocent.
This is all very bad, of course, but I don't think enough attention has been paid to the smaller details. For instance:
Members of the Rendition Group follow a simple but standard procedure: Dressed head to toe in black, including masks, they blindfold and cut the clothes off their new captives, then administer an enema and sleeping drugs. They outfit detainees in a diaper and jumpsuit for what can be a day-long trip. Their destinations: either a detention facility operated by cooperative countries in the Middle East and Central Asia, including Afghanistan, or one of the CIA's own covert prisons
The easy joke here would be the resemblance our foreign policy apparently bears to a peculiar, intricate sexual fantasy.
My greatest fantasy? Um, I'm wearing a costume, an all-black costume with a mask. Then I blindfold you and cut off all your clothes. Did I mention all this time I'm a secret agent? And that I've brought an adult diaper with me? Then, I, uh...
The less easy but more intriguing joke is that apparently there really is someone at the CIA whose job it is to administer INTERNATIONAL TOP-SECRET ENEMAS. Despite the undeniable horror of what we're up to, I can't deny I enjoy this. I enjoy the idea that out there right now there is a person who's the James Bond of Enemas.
So, man, everybody says you're been hired for this ultra top secret stuff for the CIA now. What exactly do you do? I bet it's really glamorous.Posted at December 6, 2005 10:00 AM | TrackBackUh, I'm afraid that's classified.
Now, weep, my country.
Posted by: Jesus B. Ochoa at December 6, 2005 12:24 PMCan you imagine the scene with "Q", the gadget master?
Q:
This looks like an Armani suitjacket, but turn it upside-down, detach the sleeves, and it becomes a superabsorbent adult diaper.
Bond:
Stylish and functional.
Q:
Now come over here.
Bond:
What's that? Looks like a tooth.
Q:
007, your grasp of the obvious never ceases to amaze. Now pay attention: this false bicuspid can be detached, and when turned counter-clockwise, expands into a fully functional subsonic enemizing device.
Bond:
Diabolical. What *will* you think of next?
(fiddling with it)
What if you turn it clockwise?
Q:
(snatching it away from him)
For heaven's sake, don't! It explodes, 007!"
And don't even get me started on the scene with Miss Moneypenny.
Posted by: Mike at December 6, 2005 12:54 PMHa. I was telling a friend that the line on Enemas alone has probably done more damage to CIA recruiting efforts than the whole rest of the article combined.
Posted by: Saheli at December 6, 2005 03:08 PMI should refrain from further comment. I really should. But kidnapping strangers in order to give them enemas and then torture them is the core purpose of neoconservatism. Forget Strauss, the reverse dominoe theory of democracy and looting the country. All of that takes a backseat, if you will, to the true essence of the wingnut agenda.
It's also why wingnuts should be lining up to vote for Joe Biden.
Posted by: J Alva Scruggs at December 6, 2005 03:40 PMThis hurts my brain. A lot.
Posted by: patrick at December 7, 2005 07:57 AMIs it too glib to comment that enema-spy is a really shi*ty job?
Posted by: blondie at December 7, 2005 04:46 PMDoes anyone have any idea what the _purpose_ of the enemas is? (Scruggs' comment notwithstanding.) Is it to avoid bathroom breaks? Do they hook them up to catheters, too?
Maybe I'm thinking about this just a little too much…
Posted by: mk at December 7, 2005 05:27 PMmk, there are probably a number of _excuses_ for the behavior, but I doubt any of them could stand up to serious examination. For example, they might claim that there will be no opportunity for their victims to use the toilet before they get to the torture facility, and it would cruel to make them foul themselves. That's simply handled. Stop kidnapping people and taking them to torture facilities. End of problem.
The reality is wingnuts like sticking things up people's asses, provided the people they abuse are unwilling.
Posted by: J Alva Scruggs at December 7, 2005 05:38 PMof course it makes sense. neocons believe that everyone else thinks and feels (or at least should think and feel) like they do.
and since they're obviously completely blocked, they are only doing what they wish to have done to them.
as the good book says,
"do into others as ye would have them do into you."
Posted by: skippy at December 7, 2005 05:58 PMSkippy: and, obviously, the CIA is staffed with neo-cons. Be sure to look under your bed tonight, I think there are some there, as well.
Posted by: saurabh at December 8, 2005 09:06 AMWould this turn the CIA operatives into Public Enema #1? Or would that be #2?
Posted by: blondie at December 8, 2005 11:35 AM
