or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
•
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
•
"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
May 11, 2006
Ho-Hum, Just Another Day In The Craziest Country On Earth
Living as I do in the World's Insanest Country, I sometimes don't notice our loonitude. It gets to seem normal after a while. A few White House speeches and New York Times op-eds about the Aresian Threat and you find yourself earnestly considering whether we need to invade Mars.
Take this statement about Iran by Fox's John Gibson:
...world leaders may be coming to the U.S. saying, "Would you please use your super-duper nuke bunker-busters to end this thing with the least possible -- pardon the phrase -- collateral damage?"...Do we use ours on them first or wait for them to use theirs on us?...It may come down to them or us.
What would we think if we were outside looking in at this? Imagine two countries, A and B.
Country A:
• is the richest and most powerful country that's ever existed
• has been inexorably expanding since its founding 230 years ago
• has previously used nuclear weapons against a non-nuclear nation
• has invaded a dozen countries within past 50 years, and recently attacked Country B's neighbor on the pretext this totally disarmed neighbor of Country B posed an intolerable threat to it
And Country B:
• was until 25 years ago ruled by a dictator installed when Country A overthrew its democratically-elected government
• has 1/4 the population of country A
• has an economy 1/25 the size of country A's
• has not invaded anyone in living memory
• was recently invaded by Country B's neighbor—at the urging of Country A
• has no proven nuclear weapons program
Then, a prominent news anchor in Country A advocates a nuclear first strike against Country B in "self-defense," and claims the rest of the world may beg Country A to do this.
Also, the anchor's network is owned by a billionaire who's a ferocious supporter of Country A's government, while also hosting fundraisers for the most prominent member of the "opposition" party.
Who in this scenario is dangerously bonkers? I think the answer is obvious: Tom Cruise.
BONUS: Gibson also asked this piquant question:
Could they really wipe out Israel with one monsoon-like attack?
I've often wondered exactly this myself, usually while very high.
Posted at May 11, 2006 09:57 PM | TrackBackThis whole concept of nuking Iran fills me with an anger that does not include love.
Posted by: Adam Kotsko at May 11, 2006 11:17 PMThe novelist Mario Vargas Llosa once called the Mexican government "La Dictadura Perfecta". If the US is really like that, eat your heart out, Mexico...
Posted by: En Ming Hee at May 11, 2006 11:29 PMI knew they have monsoons in the Philippines but do they have monsoons in Iran as well? I think this is a job for "Mission Impossible" coming soon to a theatre near you.
Here is my plan; George Bush jumps from the GOES weather satellite wearing a space suit and a special high tech parachute. After he enters the earth's atmosphere he opens his chute so as not to burn up upon re-entry, a U2 spy plane zips by and Bush lands on it. The U2 brings Bush down, down, down until they get near an aircraft carrier and Bush jumps of the U2 and lands on the carrier and does a thousand and one cartwheels around the deck of the carrier thus proving that he is fit and has quit drinking. Then he straps a rocket to his back and takes off for Hollywood, whoops, I mean Sacramento and gives Arnold Schwarzenegger a ride to Iran where he takes out the bad guys single handedly and one clip in his machine gun. It should work because I read that Doug Feith said it would surprise the Russians and Chinese.
Speaking of world leaders, does anyone know what "Comrade Wolf knows whom to eat" means?
Is it from that "Pet Goat" book or somethin'?
Posted by: abb1 at May 12, 2006 01:05 AMQuoteth Gibson:
This is thinking the unthinkable again and convincing yourself the possibility is absurd or completely nuts is not terribly helpful.
Methinks that's not a TelePrompTer that Gibson's speaking to -- it's either a mirror or his 2nd personality, Bong John Is -- the Supreme High Poobah of Not-Korea in Dimension 24-M on Parallel Earth, now occupying the same body and brain of mild-mannered newsdroid John Gibson via astral projection.
And monsoons.
Posted by: The tECHIDNA at May 12, 2006 03:08 AMI don't get this impeach stuff. Why impeach? They did it to Clinton and made people like him better. What good does it do? If you want to work within the system, demand a truth & reconciliation commission to try to restore the U.S. constitution. Impeach, convict, and great, we get a Pres. Cheney. Just what we've always needed.
Sorry, was that anger a bit too loveless?
Posted by: hedgehog at May 12, 2006 04:39 AMuhh yeah. impeachment's gonna work when the whole republican party is tangentially corrupt and the entire republican leadership is directly corrupt.
there's love in my anger, but the love is for anger.
Posted by: almostinfamous at May 12, 2006 05:34 AMJeez, you don't want to get it. You can trot out all that "Country A" and "Country B" caomparison, history, logic, common sense and all the other tricks those sophist profs taught you. When God (Ralph to his friends) speaks to Bush and tells him to bomb Iran, His will shall be done.
Ye of little Feith don't understand.
(Not sorry about that, either.)
As always, in Goddam we Trust.
abb1, I believe that book in Russian translates as "My Pet Wolf".
Jonathan, you need look no further than the Letters page of any regional newspaper to get the flavor of just who and what is out there. Trust me, it's better READ than DEAD!
Posted by: wkmaier at May 12, 2006 07:57 AMJonathan, you are so wrong. Tom is teh innocent. It has to be Oprah.
Posted by: spiiderweb at May 12, 2006 08:25 AMHe meant:
Please use your . . .
Super duper nuker bombing bunker busters bombs
bombing bunkers busted by those super duper bombs
Bringing busting bombing power to the bunkers strong
Bust out your super nukers so the world can get along!
And there is an extended dance remix.
abb1 -
In the Russian children's fable 'Peter and the Wolf' the wolf successfully eats a duck, but when he tries to eat birds that can fly the other animals work together and catch him.
I guess that was it.
Posted by: the guy who dissed the rock critic at May 12, 2006 09:59 AMI thought Peter and the Wolf was a musical. And how is it comrade wolf?
Posted by: abb1 at May 12, 2006 11:51 AMThe wolf thing is from a Russian anecdote; it goes something like this:
A small sheep fell into a pit. Then a peasant fell into the pit. Then a wolf fell into the pit and cracked its teeth.
– Baaaa, said the sheep gloomily.
Peasant: What do you mean "baa"? Comrade wolf knows whom to eat!
My local newspaper + Google + Babelfish told me so. And obviously it's "comrade" because it's a Soviet anecdote.
Ah, yes, this must be the joke, makes more sense.
Thanks, brtkrbzhnv.
Posted by: abb1 at May 14, 2006 02:58 PM
