or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
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"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
September 12, 2006
Looking On The Bright Side
I was sure I had something worth saying about yesterday. But every time I tried I became so sad and angry I couldn't get anywhere.
So today I'm going to use a gambit I call "looking on the bright side," and make a list of all the positive things I can say about fall, 2001.
• By noon on September 11, there was a line a block long outside the hospital near my apartment of people wanting to give blood. Eventually most hospitals in Manhattan started turning everyone away because they had all the blood they could conceivably need. (And this was at a time when they believed they'd have thousands of people wounded, rather than the handful there turned out to be.)
• By 3 p.m. I had email from two friends who'd begun organizing groups of New York non-Muslims to reach out to frightened local Muslims. This turned out to be less necessary than they anticipated, because New Yorkers generally were at the highest level of behavior I've ever witnessed in human beings. Still, there were lots of Muslim women who wore hijabs and were scared to go out unaccompanied, and it was useful to find people who could escort them to the grocery store, etc.
I've never loved a place more than I loved New York that month. There were lots of people in the rest of the U.S. baying for blood, but I never heard that expressed by a single New Yorker.
• For several days it felt like we must never laugh again. Fortunately that soon dissipated. The first joke I made was when I told Chadd Gindin that the World Trade Center should be rebuilt to look like a giant hand giving Osama bin Laden the finger. This clearly was on the minds of lots of people, as within a week someone had photoshopped this:
• On September 13th, Jerry Falwell learnedly explained:
I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians...the A.C.L.U., People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, "You helped this happen."
I'm not kidding when I say that when I heard this I seriously considered driving to Lynchburg, Virginia and smashing Falwell in the face with a crowbar. Thankfully Mike and I were able to transmute any anger into one of my favorite pieces we've ever written, "What Falwell Really Meant". It also got the most galvanic audience reaction we've ever received.
• Soon afterward Rob Weisberg came up with the idea of a pamphlet from the New York City tourism board, directed to terrorists, describing the many appealing vulnerabilities of America's other cities. Mike and I wrote this and sent it to friends, who were so horrified it's never seen the light of day. Still, I've rarely laughed harder than when we were working on it.
• Several months later, there were actual ads encouraging tourists to come back, starring various New York celebrities.
This allowed me to, for the only time in my life, feel affection for Henry Kissinger. I believe the Buddha would have approved.
Posted at September 12, 2006 06:33 AM | TrackBackEven though the mouse has turned into a foul rat, the good people remember, and still, we mourn.
Posted by: Jesus B. Ochoa at September 12, 2006 06:55 AMSoon afterward Rob Weisberg came up with the idea of a pamphlet from the New York City tourism board, directed to terrorists, describing the many appealing vulnerabilities of America's other cities. Mike and I wrote this and sent it to friends, who were so horrified it's never seen the light of day.
You have no idea how bdly I want to read this.
Posted by: Dayv at September 12, 2006 07:09 AM9-11, Falwell (one of the great Christian comics of all time--eat your heart out,Jews), grief, moving on, a new America post 9-11, the same America post 9-11, understanding the Muslims, hating the bad ("Islamofascist") Muslims, hating Israel, defending Israel, America is the new evil empire, America is the last hope for Western Civilization...
Blah, blah, blah--grist for the media mill, in one ear one day, out the other ear the next.
Little sticks. Why?
Buzz and money talk, the rest is blah, blah, blah.
Too much, too fast, hardly anything is digested.
Jon, I remember that idea, and you forgot to mention that I was trying to alert the terrorists to areas in the U.S. that loved freedom more than New York. We have rent control, which, of course, is crypto-marxist. (But not in an infidel-ish way!)
Posted by: Rob Weisberg at September 12, 2006 09:29 AMThe best thing to hope for is that in another generation a majority of American high school kids won't be able to give an even semi-accurate answer to the question "What major historical event happened on September 11, 2001?"
Posted by: Lloyd at September 12, 2006 12:06 PMFalwell said, "After a particularly heavy meal, I had a dream in which the spirit Father Coughlin appeared and said to me..."
Posted by: Seen and Heard at September 12, 2006 12:24 PMI'm not kidding when I say that when I heard this I seriously considered driving to Lynchburg, Virginia and smashing Falwell in the face with a crowbar.
I'll pay for your gas money. Food and lodging too. Also the crowbar.
Posted by: Bankroll at September 12, 2006 12:29 PMLloyd,
Is that sarcasm? Why would public confusion be a good thing- ever?
What should be known is exactly what happened in excruciating, transparently verifiable detail.
Posted by: patience at September 12, 2006 01:10 PMIn many places, people are trying to assemble their thoughts about what 9-11 means or meant in recognition of its anniversary. One thing I read struck me anew. I had so come to take it for granted that you can't believe anything said by Bush., Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, et al., that I hadn't really thought about them, as people, for awhile.
In truth, these people are utterly without conscience. As the direct result of their lies, thousands upon thousands of people have died, and more have been wounded or maimed.
Power is the name of the game in D.C. ... blah, blah, blah ... but how do these people sleep at night? They have killed children as surely as if they picked up a gun and shot a child point-blank in the face.
May they feel the full shame of their acts.
Posted by: blondie at September 12, 2006 01:46 PMCan anyone link me to a thorough and perceptive comparison between the Doolittle raid on Tokyo and the Ben Laden raid on Manhatten?
Thanks in advance.
Posted by: Steve Kite at September 12, 2006 02:10 PM
"May they feel the full shame of their acts."
One can only wish, but...You think Henry Kissinger slept soundly after we bombed villages along the Cambodian border and slaughtered kids, women, cattle? Like a baby. "Up close and personal" is only a promotional tag line.
Shame or guilt, a handful of our students may know it today if they're lucky enough to read the Greek tragedies or Shakespeare. For the rest, "gotta move on."
Patience-
Sorry. I'm just reacting to the maudlin, tabloid coverage of the past few days.
Steve Kite-
This is a bit different than what you're asking for, but you might find Robert McNamara's talking about the USAF's firebombing of Tokyo (and 67 other Japanese cities) in 1945 interesting. Check out Morris' flick 'The Fog of War'. Like General Curtis LeMay said, if our side had lost the war, our political and military leaders would have been tried as war criminals.
Robert McNamara poses the question, "What makes doing something wrong if you lose a war and OK if you win it?"
Blondie,
From what I understand, they sleep at night with the aid of Ambien.
From the Washington Post:
"So do you use sleeping tablets to organize yourself?" Al-Rashed asked.
"Yes. Well, I wouldn't call them that," Powell said. "They're a wonderful medication  not medication. How would you call it? They're called Ambien, which is very good. You don't use Ambien? Everybody here uses Ambien."
Possible side effects include:
confusion
exaggerated sense of well-being
thinking abnormalities
http://www.unknownnews.net/031114ambien.html
Posted by: Realrealgone at September 12, 2006 07:10 PMThose who defend the bombing campaign against Japanese cities in the closing months of the war always point out that "the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor" -- so they brought their misery upon themselves.
Food for thought:
According to the Bush Doctrine the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was totally legit. The Japanese knew that sooner or later they'd be at war with the US. Better for them to throw the first pre-emptive punch. Give the Japanese credit, there was almost no 'collateral damage' -- civilian infrastructure in Honolulu was left undamaged and there were virtually no civilian deaths. One would be hard pressed to find a purer example of a 'surgical strike' in military history.
