or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
•
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
October 17, 2006
A Short Letter To Pennsylvania
Dear Pennsylvania,
Please do not reelect this man to the Senate:
Embattled U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum said America has avoided a second terrorist attack for five years because the “Eye of Mordor†has been drawn to Iraq instead.Santorum used the analogy from one of his favorite books, J.R.R. Tolkien's 1950s fantasy classic “Lord of the Rings,†to put an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq into terms any school kid could easily understand.
“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else,†Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.
“It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S.,†Santorum continued. “You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States.â€ÂÂ
Thank you.
your friend,
Jon
Don't worry Jon. I'm a proud resident of Pittsburgh, PA and I can tell you that we can't wait to get that sick moron out of there. He is finished.
Posted by: Dave at October 17, 2006 09:59 PMYeah? I'm from Philly, Dave, and if you bastards elect Lynn Swann governor, I will personally pee on your doorstep.
Posted by: Sully at October 17, 2006 10:02 PMRick says he doesn't think anyone would ask "Gee, how long are we going to be in Europe?" way back in 1944. He must have either ditched or slept through those boring history classes probably in order to read more crappy fantasy books by Tolkien!
Otherwise, he would remember the only member of Congress to vote against both of the first two 'big wars, one Republican in good standing who also lived to protest Vietnam: Jeannette Rankin!
Wise up, Ricky Baby! She will always be remembered as having more balls and brains than you could ever daydream of in your fantasy world. And I'll bet she thought Tolkien was a hack, too!
Posted by: JLaR at October 18, 2006 12:19 AMCheer up Jonathan, Santorum is behind in all the polls with Casey (D) having a fairly good lead.
See here:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2006/senate/pa/pennsylvania_senate_race-1.html
Gollum, Gollum.
Iraq is the US's human shield.
Posted by: littlehorn at October 18, 2006 04:03 AMI think he's just sucking up to Colbert.
Posted by: TG Gibbon at October 18, 2006 09:38 AMAlso there is this question :
The congress is destroying the constitution, in the name of security.
Yet those same people think they're going to die, should the troops come back home.
So in other words, they are not confident in the measures they voted for ? They still think an attack is irremediable ?!
Santorum went on to say that he was constructing a Palantir in his basement and, as soon as he had it just right, he was going to gaze into it and try to find Osama bin Laden with it. Also, he said that if he were re-elected he would go on a fact-finding mission to Galadriel's Mirror so that he could see things that may have been or may be or might be but may be thwarted before they come to pass. He then used his blue ring, passed on to him by Elrond just before the Elven-king returned to Valinor, to heal the hurts of this world.
Posted by: DBK at October 18, 2006 02:37 PMHar. Got my shiny new voter registration card today (just moved to braddock pa)
Posted by: jc at October 18, 2006 06:51 PMBecause Americas new strategy for the Iraq insurgency is to wait for the magic bird to fly in and tell us where the hole in their armor is. There you go: another Simple Solution for a Complex Problem.
Posted by: at October 18, 2006 06:53 PMDear Jonathan--
This Pennsylvanian wants you to know that we have been tearing our hair out and trying to get rid of this embarassment since BEFORE he became Senator, and we have been fighting a losing battle for years due to the overwhelming number of insane people with voting cards loose in the state.
Unfortunately, I don't think we'll see a great deal of difference between him and Our Lady of the Eyebrows should Casey ascend the throne.
Yours,
Riggsveda
Hobbiton, PA
i'm more of a science fiction person, in the sci-fi book accelerando, rick santorum was president at one time, needless to say the usa was going downhill
Posted by: ian at October 19, 2006 10:50 PM
