Why Yes, I Do Have A Story Involving A Walrus Penis Bone

Almost Infamous is nice enough to point out this story about Alaska's Senator Don Young and a walrus penis bone:

...during a debate on the right of native Alaskans to sell the sex organs of endangered animals as aphrodisiacs, Young whipped out the eighteen-inch penis bone of a walrus and brandished it like a sword on the House floor.

That wasn't the first time for Young and penis bones, either:

1994 -- At a congressional hearing in February, the director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, Mollie Beattie, argued with Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, over continued exemptions for Alaska natives from laws protecting ocean animals...Young became angry, grabbed an 18-inch-long walrus penis bone that he had brought along as a prop, and pounded it into his hand as he argued with Beattie.

There's isn't anything funny about this, so I won't even try.

As it happens, though, I have my own story involving a walrus penis bone. Objectively speaking it's not that interesting, but I believe any story that includes a walrus penis bone has a certain je ne sais quoi.

When I was ten I spent the night at the house of my friend Liam. All the adults were out late doing adult things, and in their absence we had completely freaked ourselves out swapping scary stories, possibly including "The Hook." It was a big house, and we became convinced it had already been invaded by criminals, zombies, mermen, and so forth. Thus we needed to find weapons with which to defend ourselves. We quickly located a shovel, but what would the one of us who was shovel-less use?

Soon we had the answer: a walrus penis bone. Liam's grandfather had lived an unusual life, and the various unusual objects he'd acquired were scattered around the house. One of these objects was the bone. It was hefty enough to really lay a smackdown on someone.

I can't remember who got which, but before too long the adults returned, finding us gripping the shovel and walrus penis bone tightly. We put the shovel and bone back where we'd found them. The End.

But...I've always thought it was a little sad no one broke into the house. Because imagine if we'd actually fought off intruders with a walrus penis bone! We would have become legends among ten year-olds the world over.

Also, when I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey some time later, I really understood where the monkeys beating things to death with tapir bones were coming from.

EXTRA: In the years after this occurred, I was pleased to be able to share with my peers the information—of which almost all of them were theretofore unaware—that walruses had a bone in their penis. This was a big hit in sixth grade. I particularly took satisfaction in leading those who doubted me to the encyclopedia. Who's laughing now, Waseem Noor??!?

On the other hand, I did get something important wrong: I always told everyone the walrus is the only animal with such a bone. However, I just learned via the internets this is incorrect—in fact, according to wikipedia, it's not rare at all. Even rats and dogs have one. Cripes, life is nothing but a long process of disillusionment.