or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
•
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
February 14, 2009
That's How They Get You
First, your parents (from Hannah and Her Sisters):
MICKEY: I went into a store, I bought a rifle. I was gonna...You know, if they told me that I had a tumor, I was going to kill myself. The only thing that mighta stopped me, might've, is my parents would be devastated. I would, I woulda had to shoot them, also, first. And then, I have an aunt and uncle, I would have...You know, it would have been a bloodbath.
Then your kids (from The Anniversary Party):
SOPHIA: Oh God, you're so lucky you don't have kids. You can't stick your head in the oven. You can't take a handful of Percoden if you want to, or slit your wrists. You can't do yourself in. Kids rob you of that option. Trust me.(a beat)
Oh my God, this ecstacy must be really good.
—Jonathan Schwarz
Posted at February 14, 2009 06:33 PMSelf destruction has a grand and glorious tradition. It's like, watch this baby *burn*
This Valentine's day remember 1 thing. Women are genetically programmed by eons of mothering to be fiercer creatures than the demons of your darkest nightmares. So men remember this and remain uh, intact. And women remember this and be merciful you evil beasties :D
Posted by: tim at February 14, 2009 11:00 PMThey fuck you up, your mum and dad.
Posted by: Duncan at February 15, 2009 10:15 AMDoesn't, shouldn't, "ecstacy" have only one "c" and two "s"s?
Posted by: roy belmont at February 15, 2009 03:02 PMAn heroic sentiment...
Posted by: Wareq at February 15, 2009 08:10 PMIs this a cry for help, Jon? Perhaps this poem will cheer you up:
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
Posted by: Carl at February 16, 2009 04:40 AMIs this a cry for help, Jon?
Yes, I'm afraid so.
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at February 16, 2009 09:24 AMYeah, we're stuck. Can't do a damn thing about it. It would be a giant "fuck you" to the kids.
So what they hell, might as well try to enjoy what we have, and be selfishly happy instead of selfishly dead.
Posted by: Susan of Texas at February 16, 2009 10:54 AM"be selfishly happy instead of selfishly dead" -
that's not a bad summary of "Lost in the Cosmos - The Last Self-Help Book" by Walker Percy - it's really enjoyable, Jon, and unlike the following two books I mention, I suggest reading it
Eric Berne, author of the best-selling self-help book "Games People Play" (and developer of Transactional Analysis, the conceptual framework for another best-seller, Harris's "I'm OK, You're OK") wrote that you weren't allowed to kill yourself as long as you had parents who were still alive, or minor children
Lost in the Cosmos
Too late! I've already read that obsessively, my freshman year of college. Great book.
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at February 16, 2009 01:53 PMIt's a bullshit line of argument. If you still care how your suicide affects your parents or your children, you aren't really ready for it. Stop using other people as an excuse, and face up to the fact that you're not really determined to kill yourself - you're just whining.
Posted by: Dunc at February 17, 2009 07:37 AMWe have to talk. Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
Posted by: Ms. Pauline Fleming at February 17, 2009 04:22 PMWe have to talk. Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
Sorry, Ms. Fleming! I'm too busy dancing to "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It)" to talk!
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at February 17, 2009 05:11 PM
