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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
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"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
June 22, 2010
The Horrifying Scumbag Playbook
There are three steps in this chapter of the Horrifying Scumbag Playbook.
STEP ONE: Your lackeys have murdered someone in full view of the entire world. Whoops! Time to express "regret."
Statement by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, expressing regret about the murder of Iranian citizen Neda Agha-Soltan and others by the Basij militia:
"All of us regret the fact that some people were killed...I was saddened, as well all the Iranian people were saddened."
Statement by Barack Obama, President of the United States, expressing regret about the murder of U.S. citizen Furkan Dogan and others by Israel:
The President expressed deep regret at the loss of life in today's incident, and concern for the wounded.
STEP TWO: Call for an investigation. No one wants to learn the truth more than you!
Statement on the Iranian government website, calling for an investigation of the murder of Neda Agha-Soltan and others:
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Monday requested the Judiciary chief to hold inquiry into Neda Agha-Sultan’s murder...the president told Ayatollah Shahroudi “to instruct the judiciary establishment to follow up the case of her death...”
Statement on the White House website, endorsing an investigation of the murder of Furkan Dogan and others:
...the United States [supports] the completion of a prompt, impartial, credible, and transparent investigation.
STEP THREE: Now's the fun part: your Official Enemy has murdered someone in full view of the entire world. You're outraged! Also, you stand with the victims!
Statement by Ahmadinejad, condemning the murder of Furkan Dogan and others, and expressing solidarity with Palestinians:
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Tuesday strongly condemned the atrocities committed by the Zionist regime against the human rights activists on board Flotilla of six aid ships...President Ahmadinejad voiced Iran’s solidarity with the Palestinian nation and said the Islamic Republic of Iran is determined to back the Palestinian nation and its true supporters.
Statement by Obama, condemning the murder of Neda Agha-Soltan and others, and expressing solidarity with Iranians:
I strongly condemn these unjust actions, and I join with the American people in mourning each and every innocent life that is lost...And I think it's important for us to make sure that -- that we let the Iranian people know that we are watching what's happening, that they are not alone in this process.
PREVIOUSLY IN THE HORRIFYING SCUMBAG PLAYBOOK: You're a longtime genocide denier, not out of conviction but just due to banal power considerations. But the heat is on. Time to call for a historical commission!
—Jonathan Schwarz
Posted at June 22, 2010 01:59 AMdeja vu - or not.
Posted by: Jesus B Ochoa at June 22, 2010 08:46 AMYou're being far too hard on the President. He has his good side:
http://www.president.ir/piri/media/mid/28732.jpg
Posted by: N E at June 22, 2010 09:37 AMJust like the Boy King Ken Doll has his, I'm sure.
Posted by: RedPhillip at June 22, 2010 11:08 AMNE - Where is it?
Throw in Bibi and you're 3/4 of the way to a sticky barbershop quartet.
Richard S--you have to look at the picture!
Posted by: N E at June 22, 2010 01:59 PMFurkan Dogan...what a great American.
Posted by: seth at June 22, 2010 02:28 PMseth: An American none the less. At least he DID more than call up on Sean Handjob's radio program.
Posted by: Mike Meyer at June 22, 2010 02:48 PMWhat the hell is the point of calling that kid an American? Seriously? Fucking nationalism.
Posted by: saurabh at June 22, 2010 02:58 PMHe would have been President, Michael Jackson, and Dr. Oz all rolled into one.
Posted by: seth at June 22, 2010 03:02 PMSeth, I know it must be horrible to go through life with a name that sounds like a skin condition.
Posted by: demize! at June 22, 2010 03:04 PMWhat the hell is the point of calling that kid an American? Seriously? Fucking nationalism.
That IS the point. Part of The Horrifying Scumbag Playbook is weepily discussing how deeply you care about keeping your countrymen safe, and gosh darn it the only way to keep them safe is by murdering people from other countries, even as whoops! you're also merrily killing your own citizens.
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at June 22, 2010 03:12 PMLittle Furkan was born in Troy, NY in 1991...ironically the city he was born in is named after a little town located in what is presently Turkey, Furkan's other Homeland.
Though Furkan was only two when he left the United State of America, he made a profound impression on all his friends and neighbors. The mayor of Troy recalls that "No one had more civic pride than baby Furkan."
Hugh Carey, former Governor of New York, recalls that while interning in his local office, Furkan went above and beyond the call of duty when it came to helping the Turkish-American community of the Western Tier: "At the annual naturalization ceremony Furkan insisted on holding the Koran upon which all the new Turkish-Americans swore dual allegiance to their new country."
As a 3 year old in Bilkent, Furkan translated the Star Spangled Banner into Turkish and taught his friends how to play the game of Base-Ball.
Truly, no greater Turk or American has ever been murdered by Zionist scum!!!!
Posted by: seth at June 22, 2010 03:13 PMThis is from the book Great Plains by Ian Frazier:
She said, "Did you ever hear about the last man lynched in Kansas?...His name was Rick Read. He was lynched in 1932 after he raped and murdered an eight-year-old girl...When they went to bury him the people were so mad they would have dismembered the body and no preacher would preach the sermon, but at the last minute a preacher showed up who believed that every man was entitled to a Christian burial...and he preached the most beautiful sermon I ever heard. He said, 'If you had a man in your community as crippled in body as this man was in spirit you would all have so much pity on him you'd take him into your homes and care for him.' All the women started to weep and I cried myself and some men cried, too, and you could feel all the hatred and violence just dissolve up into the air."
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at June 22, 2010 03:30 PM
saurabh, Jonathan Schwarz: From MY point, nothing to do with nationalism but more to do with The 14th Admendment. (seth @3:13pm so resoundingly makes my point)
Posted by: Mike Meyer at June 22, 2010 04:11 PMMY point is, the American government, and people generally, should not give a shit because that kid was an American, but merely because he was some kid. I'm not in favor of using the hypocrisies of the system against it, a la the ACLU or some such. Just burn it all down. The nation-state is a defunct concept; the least we can do is move past it rhetorically.
Posted by: saurabh at June 22, 2010 04:17 PMJS: THAT'S the point isn't it, hatred and violence. A hates B hates C and the children and young people PAY for it.
seth: I know I'm Zionist Scum to YOU and others and YES I want Israel to inhabit ALL the Holy Land, BUT ISRAEL SIGNED the 1967 agreement. Even Israel is bound by its signature, its word.
That's a nice story by Ian Frazier.
Israel is bound by nothing apparantly except the law of the jungle. I should add that the decrepit Empire I happen to inhabit is bound by the same law.
Posted by: demize! at June 22, 2010 10:19 PMIsrael is bound by no law apparantly, except the law of the jungle as is the declining empire in which I happen to reside.
Posted by: demize! at June 22, 2010 10:23 PMdemize: Yeah, I know but that's how I roll. I like to think I learned it from God through my Father. He was a True Believer Marxist and therefore frowned on my Zionist tendencies. But I'm SURE if one signed a deal with The Devil he'd feel EXACTLY the same way. What ever YOU SIGNED for is what YOU get, what YOU PAY.
Posted by: Mike Meyer at June 23, 2010 01:47 AMSeth's right, of course. Furkan Doğan couldn't be an American simply because he was born there, because Americ bases its citizenship criteria on ethnicity, like all civilised countries.
Posted by: weaver at June 23, 2010 03:51 AMFurkan Dogan was a true blue American through jus solis, but also because he absorbed American culture and values and expressed them in his every action.
That's why they had to kill him hastily-before the world could see how the Turk and the American could coexist so harmoniously in one body.
Let no one disparage Furkan Dogan's Americanism! He was a member of the John Birch Society and the American Legion, Mutafa Kemal Lodge.
Posted by: seth at June 23, 2010 07:33 AMI guess I am not seeing the analogy being made here. The exact circumstances behind the Iranian protester's death was pretty unclear (hence an investigation is a good idea) but it didn't seem deliberate and the protests were not peaceful.
You want to compare that to execution-style assassination of unresisting peace activists and aid workers in cold blood? A killing that was planned ahead of time and deliberate?
Posted by: DavidByron at June 23, 2010 01:39 PMNice post! By pretending that Barack Obama is responsible for the Israeli Army, you nicely reduce the responsibility of Ahmadinejad for the killings done to keep him in power!
This site was recommended by friends, but...no thanks.
Posted by: jeffry at June 23, 2010 04:36 PMNice post! By pretending that Barack Obama is responsible for the Israeli Army, you nicely reduce the responsibility of Ahmadinejad for the killings done to keep him in power!
Uh...who put the what in the where now?
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at June 23, 2010 05:55 PMJudging by Jeffry's blog I think what he's really pissed off about is that your criticism of the Israelis, Obama and Ahmadinejad fails to assign blame where it truly belongs: with Hugo Chavez.
Posted by: weaver at June 24, 2010 01:44 AMDon't let the door hitcha where they bitchya.
Posted by: demize! at June 25, 2010 02:42 AM