or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
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"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
July 05, 2011
Jokes About the Democratic Party
I'm still alive! Here are some jokes:
1. There would still be a Soviet Union if they'd been smart enough to have two communist parties that agreed about everything except abortion.
2. Democrats : Republicans :: Getting stabbed : Getting shot. Why aren't you enthusiastic about getting stabbed? WOULD YOU RATHER GET SHOT?
3. The Republican vision is that 20 white male billionaires will own everything and rule the world with an iron whip. The Democratic vision is completely different, in that not all the billionaires will be white men.
—Jonathan Schwarz
Posted at July 5, 2011 08:58 AMQ. How's the Demopublican Party?
A. Compared to what?
Q. What would you have if you had the Speaker of the House, the House Minority Leader, the Senate Majority and Minority Leaders, and the President and Vice President - and their top 1000 political campaign contributors - buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Substantial progress on the debt limit talks.
All of these jokes are too true to be funny.
Posted by: Aaron Datesman at July 5, 2011 09:53 AMThird Party,Folks.
No joke.
Posted by: Mike Meyer at July 5, 2011 11:07 AMWhy am I not laughing?
Posted by: NomadUK at July 5, 2011 11:22 AMStill going with that lesser of two evils thing, eh?
Posted by: rob payne at July 5, 2011 11:52 AMYa think?
Posted by: NomadUK at July 5, 2011 12:01 PMI've always said that Democrats are just Republicans who'll let you have an abortion. Did you really think if you waited four years to steal my joke I wouldn't notice? Ha!
Jonathan, I hear you, but there are prominent black Republicans. My suspicion is the only reason they didn't run Condi Rice was she was too tainted by the Shrub. The parties are less different than even you think.
Posted by: will shetterly at July 5, 2011 01:25 PMthose are good jokes and if i am elected i fully intend to sell them to a multinational, renting them back at a higher cost to the public, to make them that much better.
Posted by: hapa at July 5, 2011 02:16 PMI've always said that Democrats are just Republicans who'll let you have an abortion. Did you really think if you waited four years to steal my joke I wouldn't notice? Ha!
I'm proud to say I first made that abortion/commie joke in 2000. It failed to gain any traction after that, so I'm giving it another shot.
So I may have stolen it from you, but you stole it from me, despite there being no mechanism for that to happen except "brain waves."
Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at July 5, 2011 02:41 PM(2) is a variation on a joke I was telling back when you were urging people to hate on Evil Rethuglicans and praise The Obamessiah, Schwarz.
But nice try.
Posted by: Karl at July 5, 2011 03:45 PMQ: What do you think of the two-party system?
A: I suppose we could try it and find out.
Posted by: tom allen at July 5, 2011 04:09 PMI enjoyed these a great deal. Only 57 more and you've got a very fine Scholastic Book Club selection.
Posted by: Mike of Angle at July 5, 2011 07:50 PMFor me, that first joke gets a ten, the second an eight, the third a five.
This political phenomenon isn't uniquely American. In the words of the great political scientist Colonel Aureliano Buendia: “The only difference today between Liberals and Conservatives is that the Liberals go to mass at five o'clock and the Conservatives at eight.”
Posted by: N E at July 5, 2011 07:50 PMYa'll funny.
Posted by: Amandasaurus at July 5, 2011 10:31 PMlol @ Obamessiah.
My favorite so far: Hopey McChangey Sparkle Pony
Posted by: Amandasaurus at July 6, 2011 07:57 AMlook schwarz, you obviously stole all these jokes from internet people. fuckin plagiarist.
anyway, i think will shetterly (above) is right. the left needs to stop patting ourselves on the back regarding race, especially considering clinton and now obama's drug war policies. and the more of this country i see, it's kind of glaringly obvious that the blue state parts are MORE racially segregated than the red state parts.
by and large, though, the joke's you've appropriated here from less funny bloggers are pretty sweet
Posted by: mike at July 6, 2011 08:08 PM“In every political community there are varying shades of political opinion. One of the shadiest of these is the liberals. An outspoken group on many subjects. Ten degrees to the left of center in good times. Ten degrees to the right of center if it affects them personally. Here, then, is a lesson in safe logic.”
-Phil Ochs, 1968
Posted by: No One of Consequence at July 6, 2011 11:14 PMFANTASTICAL!
Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2011 11:38 PMThe Democrats aren't even on the side of abortion rights any more. They throw that one under the bus in 2008. Not a dime's worth of difference, indeed.
Posted by: ugsome at July 7, 2011 01:44 PMA two-party system is really only just one better than a one-party system.
Posted by: PatrikD at July 7, 2011 11:57 PMNo. A one-party system is preferable because it gives its victims a single source of resentment and, as such, must perform or die. Any villain with the slightest degree of intelligence will create a strawman enemy with which to threaten his subjects, for it is his subjects, not his rivals, that are his true enemies.
Posted by: No One of Consequence at July 8, 2011 03:42 AMNew party needed.
Posted by: Edward at July 9, 2011 10:56 PMNo One: "No. A one-party system is preferable because it gives its victims a single source of resentment and, as such, must perform or die. Any villain with the slightest degree of intelligence will create a strawman enemy with which to threaten his subjects, for it is his subjects, not his rivals, that are his true enemies."
Um - have you actually noticed the history of the 20th century? Lots and lots of one-party states lasting decades, so long as they maintained a key core of support.
Posted by: Barry at July 11, 2011 09:10 AM
