or Powell's or me• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
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"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
February 17, 2013
Jokes
So a new trove of John F. Kennedy memorabilia is being auctioned off. This reminds me of my favorite joke of mine from the thousands Mike Gerber and I sent to Weekend Update, back when previous memorabilia was being sold by Sotheby's:
This week Sotheby's auctioned off JFK's cigar box, where he kept Cuban cigars even after the embargo was declared. In fact, Kennedy smoked so many Cuban cigars, he was often heard to say, "Man... one of these days those Cubans are gonna KILL me!"
I never expected that was going to see air, and I was right not to get my hopes up. This did, though, and I think it's almost as funny:
Lenoria Walker, Houston's director of affirmative action, has resigned after referring to a city councilman as a "midget" instead of using the politically correct term, which is "dwarf." Said Walker, "I guess I have a lot to learn about sensitivity. So, it's hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work I go."
—Jon Schwarz
Posted at February 17, 2013 04:44 PMvertically challenged, yo ("short people" was banned after it no longer was pc to laugh at the classic song of the same name)
Posted by: frankenduf at February 18, 2013 01:45 PMFor once, I am at a loss----quite possibly the greatest joke of all.
Posted by: Mike Meyer at February 18, 2013 06:02 PMBuddhist bumper sticker: Ask me about my vow of silence
Posted by: mistah charley, ph.d. at February 18, 2013 06:15 PMMy cousin and his dad both had a talent for constructing story-jokes, which I've never been able to do. Here are 3 of their punch lines: 1) Then she lifted up her arm and pissed on him. 2) It's the first thing I learned in medical school: "An abscess makes the fart go Honda." 3) Too sweet!
I don't remember anything else about 1st one. 2nd one you can probably fill in the rest. 3rd one was about a hot chocolate enema.
The only formal joke I can remember making up was in Mr. Johnson's English class when we were passing around folded slips of paper with what riddles that we called "mindless violence jokes." I imagine that some might find the punch lines disturbing, so I'll just give you the questions I remember. Mine was "Why couldn't the little girl decide which dress to wear?" and Dave Evans's was "Why couldn't the nun turn around in the hall?"
My favorite ESL-teaching joke has the punch line, "48! 48! 48!" After that it's all down hill. The worst, at least for entertainment purposes, has the punchline, "I'm drowning, you idiot," although it is instructive. It can be hard to get Chinese speakers to grasp the present progressive for "drown," because the Chinese equivalent means you're already dead.
Posted by: godoggo at February 19, 2013 04:58 PM
Anyway, even though I gave you the punchline already, here's my favorite ESL-teaching joke. A guy's walking down the street and he see's an old man with long white hair, a long white beard (mime long beard), maybe he's Chinese and he has long wite eyebrows (mime long eyebrows), and he's jumping up and down on a manhole (explain what a manole is), he's jumping up and down on a manhole shouting "47! 47! 47!" So they guy says, "Excuse me," but the old man keeps jumping up and down on the manhole yelling "47! 47! 47!" so the guy says, "EXCUSE ME!" but the old man keeps jumping up and down on the manhole yelling "47! 47! 47!" so the guys yells "HEY!!!!!" and the old man finally stops jumping and says, "What?" So the guy says, "Why do you keep jumping up and down on the manhole yelling 47, 47, 47?" And the old man says, "You want to know why I keep jumping up and down on the manhole yelling 47, 47, 47?" And the guy says, "Yes! Why are you doing that?" So the old man says, "Well, come here, and I'll show you," and he opens up the manhole (mimes opening manhole), and says "Come here and look." So the guy comes over to look and (miming) the old man pushes him in the manhole, closes the lid and starts jumping up and down yelling "48! 48! 48!"
Big laffs.
Posted by: godoggo at February 19, 2013 09:20 PMSorry, when it rains it pours. But that was not a rant.
Posted by: godoggo at February 19, 2013 09:43 PMIn the interest of conversation--I've smoked a Cuban Cigar---once---it was a superbowl party and I drank an absolutely delicious spiced rum&coke while I smoked the whole cigar. A marvelous day!!!
Posted by: Mike Meyer at February 20, 2013 09:15 PMIn the interest of conversation--I've smoked a Cuban Cigar---once---it was a superbowl party and I drank an absolutely delicious spiced rum&coke while I smoked the whole cigar. A marvelous day!!!
Posted by: Mike Meyer at February 20, 2013 09:15 PMFollow-up to my 1st comment.
http://tw.websaru.com/drowning.html
Drowning: 溺水
Drown (to death): 溺死
Haven't run this past any humans, though.
Posted by: godoggo at February 21, 2013 09:24 AM1938 - returning from munich, neville chamberlain flourishes document, says "I bring you peace in our time"
21st century update - replace chamberlain with obama, for "peace" substitute "reform"
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SHg8MNS3T_Y/USVdaIBnjOI/AAAAAAAAmfg/cEIG0z8L4DY/s1600/obamachamberlain.jpg
Posted by: mistah charley, ph.d. at February 21, 2013 01:22 PMBuy from ebay, the worlds largest and most trusted auction site. Pay with paypal and eliminate any security issues with your credit card.
Posted by: Michal at February 24, 2013 08:11 AMmistah charlie ph.d. "Mister President, we too want piece---of Nigeria." ----Firesign Theatre
Posted by: Mike Meyer at February 24, 2013 05:20 PM"At 46, Dostoevsky wrote "The Gambler." After getting married, he wrote "The Idiot."
Chicago's former mayor Richard Daley, now that he is no longer in power, has been wrestling with an obscure Ph.D thesis. It is titled "An Essay on the Practice of Speaking in Tongues: Situating the Temporal Sublime on the Denouement of the Premodern Stage."
Freud once remarked that "Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me." To which Carl Jung replied, "just like yo mamma."
Posted by: Lewis at February 25, 2013 12:12 PM
